People who are “good” at relating to other folks are often agile communicators.
They are able to adjust their words and approaches so their message will be received and simultaneously help the receiver to also feel heard and seen.
Sometimes that’s through humor; other times through adjusting one of the four T’s of communication (Tone, Tenor, Texture and Timing).
Sometimes it is by choosing a gentle approach, softening the message itself to avoid a fight/flight/freeze/fawn response, or by conveying bits of information over time so that it doesn’t feel like too much all at once.
In other words, communication is full of nuance.
However, I have come to believe that in many situations, we default to a less direct, fairly squishy approach to communication, even when we are pretty clear about the message we’re hoping to convey.
We may do this (as mentioned above) to avoid certain reactions, but we also may do this because we think it is the kinder thing to do.
I’d like to suggest instead that (often) direct is kind.
When we don’t speak directly, it can lead to:
- Lack of clarity: “What was the point of that convo?”
- Lack of resolution: More energy and time will need to be invested in looping back
- Rumination: People tend to fill in the gaps in understandings with stories (some of which may be even more damaging than the truth would have been)
- Resentment: “Why hasn’t that person changed, responded, or taken action?”
- A shared feeling of distrust: Held secrets over time create distance
Not optimal, right?
There is an alternative! Below I offer some suggestions on how to implement the “Direct is Kind” approach, but first, a few additional notes:
Please do not equate direct with being hurtful, prickly, or spiteful. “Direct” has more to do with the approach—addressing something head-on—than the tone.
Try to genuinely believe that this is a form of kindness! Trusting that the other person is worthy of straightforward messaging is a form of kindness. Seeing it as being in service to yourself, to them, and to your relationship is an act of kindness. Practice saying to yourself, “By speaking my truth directly, I am being kind to myself and to them.
You will also notice I have added the caveat that “often” direct is kind. As with everything I offer in the Slice of Sunshine newsletter, nothing is one-size-fits-all. In some circumstances, direct would be unkind and indirect would be kind(er).
But by adding “direct is kind” to your communication tool box, you are increasing your relational agility—and who wouldn’t want that?
Try It!
It can be daunting to imagine saying something directly to a person that could cause hurt. It can be scary and uncertain to dare to speak your truth out loud, especially if you’re still new to knowing your truth at all.
Many of us have also been conditioned to believe that it is impolite to be direct and choosing this brave approach flies in the face of societal norms. But don’t knock it ‘til you try it! Here are some tips for giving it a go:
✩Know your key message, and have it grounded in facts and values. (Check out these downloadable tools on my website for help!)
✩Stay curious and open and maintain a growth mindset.
✩Speak directly to the person, preferably face-to-face and definitely NOT through email or text. Sometimes you may just need to give someone a call.
✩Perhaps start with a not-too-scary message…OR start with one that the truth is so clear that you can speak with full-hearted assurance. NOTE: It is often a sign that you need to talk to someone directly if you find you’re talking about them to a whole lotta other folks.
✩It may not be perfect and it may require circling back and trying again. Practice makes this easier.
✩Tears may happen. Your voice may quiver. It may not feel great. Before, during, or after. But the after after usually feels pretty dang good.
(other) Smart People
“By speaking the truth, we learn the difference between our authentic self and our facade. If we put our little masked self out there, the horror is that other people might accept it and end up making love to it, while we starve and die of neglect behind it. It’s much richer to interact genuinely with the world. When you speak the truth, it feeds and brightens your Spirit. When you don’t, it dims your Spirit. Don’t you want to live in a way that brightens your Spirit?”
—Fierce Medicine, Ana Forrest
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Try it!
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